Anticipation

Anticipate:

to think, speak, act or feel an emotional response in advance

dictionary.com

I chose this word as the title of today's blog because much of my time lately has been spent anticipating my two and a half jobs. I like the definition because I really have been thinking, speaking and acting based on the emotional responses I am feeling in advance.

Some days, for example, I get this proud, confident feeling about my jobs based on the premature assumption that I'm going to be fantastic at all of them. I feel relieved because I picture Ashley and I getting along perfectly, her teachers respecting and utilizing me, and my colleagues being impressed by natural "gift" as a Special Ed aide. I also picture myself teaching incredible modern dance classes, having ballerinas fall in love with their bare feet and beg me to teach them more contemporary dance. On these days I speak, think and act with optimism and confidence. I am so excited for work and feel like I have the best jobs in the world.

More often than not, however, I feel a bit of anxiety and fear, topped off by a huge "U" that screams "YoU are Unqualified! Ashley will get frustrated with you because you're going to be a horrible aide who doesn't know how and when to help, and who is really nervous about feeding and changing her incorrectly. And those little 3-5 year old dancers you're teaching tomorrow morning will be upset that you don't know what 'marshmallow walks' or 'the bouncing song' are (since no one has explained the syllabus to you yet) and tell you that the activities you planned instead 'are not what our other teacher does.'" Yikes. During these moments I do nothing. I feel trapped because I can't really plan or prepare for these situations... I just have to show up, do my best, and THEN adjust and plan from what I LEARN.

My "half" job leads to these feelings of anticipation, too. I was asked to choreograph for the San Angelo Civic Theatre Children's Production of "Annie Get Your Gun." I am incredibly excited and feel lucky to get involved in a musical, since that has always been a passion of mine. Some days I picture people shaking my hand after the show, complementing the great dancing... other times I envision stressful rehearsals where the director tells me it stinks. (I consider this my "half" job because I'm barely getting paid, so its more like a fun project that will give me another foot in the door with the arts in San Angelo.)

And speaking of trying to increase the level of arts in our lovely little town, I also find myself feeling anticipation about things that don't even exist... my future dance club at Lake View (which will probably happen in a few months as the administration is making a huge push for more clubs)... my future dance company at Lake View (which is very unlikely, but I'd like to try)... my future dance program, complete with Dance 1, 2, 3 and Company classes (nearly impossible for many reasons)... and finally, my future career as a star dancer on the exquisit community performing company I single-handedly create (ok, just kidding about that one). Really though, sometimes I find myself feeling elated because an imaginary future dance club member wants to start a petition for a school dance company... and sometimes I feel dejected because as hard as I try, my future dance program is not as well recieved by the students here as it was at Westlake (where I student taught) and I feel like I'm failing all my teachers and mentors who modeled such perfect classrooms and programs.

PHEW! Isn't my brain exhausting?! (Actually, I think all women's brains work this way, more or less... maybe men's brains do too... maybe we all wear ourselves out thinking about the future!) But although my brain truly is in a constant anticipation mode, I am so happy. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I know whose examples remind me that no one has to be perfect, they just have to try their best. I find inspiration in the words of Elder Wirthlin who taught us to "come what may, and love it," and President Uchtdorf who reminds us that "happiness is [our] heritage." A rather cheesy poster hanging up at Lake View has the meaningful quote, "If you don't succeed today, try again a different way." And I think the most comforting bit of advice comes from our Prophet who always encourages us to be a little more kind and thoughtful. I have memorized this poem he quoted in a conference talk and it runs through my head often:

"I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to somebody's need made me blind. But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little too kind."

This doesn't exactly seem like the right kind of advice for someone with anticipation issues, but it gives me hope that by being a kind, genuine, respectful person my shortcomings will be forgiven, my lack of qualification forgotten and my efforts appreciated. Hopefully as I try to compliment the good in others they will do the same for me (or at least try not to look for the bad). The truth is, none of us is truly qualified or prepared for every circumstance in life, but we are always capable of learning new things, choosing an optimistic attitude, and deciding to be the best, kindest, most Christlike person we can be regardless of whether we succeed or fail.

So for all of us with a little bit of anticipation... for school, for a test, for work, for a church calling, for ANYTHING... let's not let our premature emotions dictate our thoughts, speech, and actions, but let it motivate us to look to Christ as our rock, put on a happy face, and go for it!

PS- To my most avid (maybe only) reader, my wonderful husband, THANK YOU for making me happy and showing incredible patience when sometimes anticipation leads to sudden mood changes and self-centered, repetative conversations. I love you.